Book Summary:The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The five love languages by Gary Chapman 

What's the secret to a healthy relationship?

A Relationship can be complicated. We have either witnessed breakups or have our heart broken for someone, who once was the most loving person for us.

What happens to love? Does it fade over time?

Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages does not think that love fades away with the period of time.

In fact, he says that the first two years of our love life are nothing more than the 'in love' experiences. 

WHAT IS IN-LOVE EXPERIENCE?

The first two years of being in love when you like everything about your partner and you think he/she is the most amazing creature in the world. Your emotional love tank is full.

When the 'in love' experience is over, your brain goes back to normal. You need love to fill your emotional love tank. If your love tank is not full then you will not be able to replicate love back to your partner or anyone.

If you are able to identify and communicate the primary love language of your partner, then nothing can stop your relationship 

from flourishing.

The five love languages are:

1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATIONS

Verbal compliments or words of affirmation are powerful communication of love. Psychologists say that the deepest desire of a human being is to feel appreciated.

We all have our ups and down in our life and sometimes, we just need a little push on our back. The few encouraging words can do an amazing job.
Your partner can be craving for the kind and humble words from you if his/her primary love language is words of affirmation. If a husband works very hard to provide for the family then he is certainly expecting affirming words.
Do not ignore the efforts, your partner puts into the relationship or in both of your future. It is important to give guidance and advice. 

However, you need to be careful in choosing the words so that it doesn't sound demanding and oppressive.

Words of affirmations are straightforward and simple. For example:

• You look beautiful.
• Thank you for helping me out with the dishes.
• I am proud of you.
• You made my day.

2. QUALITY TIME 

taking a walk together

The words of affirmation can make me feel loved but it may not have the same effect on you.

Quality time is another basic love language. It means spending quality time together either engaging in activities or just talking with each other.

Quality time doesn't count you watching your favourite TV show and listening to only half of what the other person is saying.
It means you giving your full attention and time. When you spend 20 minutes with your partner, you are giving your life. 
Those 20 minutes are never going to return, and you are giving it to your partner. This is a powerful way of communicating love.

There are many dialects under quality time such as:

• Engaging in activities, you both love
• Quality conversation
• Going for a walk together

While engaging in a quality conversation, you need to make sure that you engage in the following things:

• Maintain eye contact
• listen for feeling (try to understand the feeling of your spouse)
• Body language
• Sympathetic listening

3. RECEIVING GIFTS:

This is probably the easiest love language.
When somebody, buys a gift and wraps it, he/she is thinking about a someone.

The thought itself is valuable. You feel loved when you realize that somebody thought about you in the first place.

Not all of us are gift givers. You might have grown up in a family, where giving gifts was not occasional and you don't know anything about choosing and buying gifts. 

In that case, you will have to learn the secondary love language to fill up the love tank of your partner. Love is a choice and if you are willing to express your love then it's necessary to learn to speak the love language of your partner.
Gifts come in different shapes, sizes and colors. Some are expensive and some are free. It doesn't matter for the receiver how expensive the gift is. All it matters is you remembered him/her.

Here are the guides for you to choose a gift for your partner:

• Make a list of things that your partner is excited about.
•  Or the gifts that he/she has received  before and liked it.
• Recruit the help of a close family member or a friend of your partner for help.

It doesn't have to be the things you need to buy. 
It can simply be the 'gift of presence'. Be there when your closed ones need you. 

4. ACTS OF SERVICE:

helping each other out

 Acts of service are the most important love language.
Acts of service require thoughts, plans, time and effort. It means doing things for your partner. Washing dishes, making breakfast, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming the floor, helping with the laundry, etc. are the acts of service.

This is the way of saying that you care and you like to help.
Sharing the household works not only help in maintaining the cleanliness but also prevents possible fights. You can assist your partner in completing assignments or doing other chores when he/she is busy.

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH 

holding hands

Babies who are held, hugged and kissed develop a healthy emotional life than those who are isolated for longer period of life without physical contact. 
Physical touch is an important vehicle for running a stable and happy love life. 

Holding hands, kissing, hugging, embracing and having physical relation are all ways of communicating emotional love.
For some people, it is their primary love  language. They feel secure when they are caressed and embraced. 

Physical touch can express both love and hate. A slap in the face is hurtful to any child but, it is devastating to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. A tender heart communicates love to any child but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch.

Your partner may find some touches irritating and disturbing, insisting on continuing the same touch, means communicating the opposite of love.
Sitting close to each other while watching a movie, holding hands while walking, hugging before leaving the house, etc doesn't take time or effort. 
It simply helps your partner feel secured.
If your partner speaks the language of physical touch then nothing is more important than holding her while she is crying.

In order to establish a healthy and stable relationship, communication plays the main role. You need to find out the primary love language of your partner and communicate it properly. You can simply ask his/her guidance to understand the love language.

WHAT'S YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE?

Which of the above-mentioned things make you feel loved more deeply?

It might be confusing in finding out our own primary love language. We may think that two of the languages are equivalent to each other for us. 
Here are some basic tips for you to discover your own love language:

• What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you the most deep? The opposite of what hurts you the most is probably your love language. 

• What have you most often requested of your spouse? If you have repeatedly requested your partner to speak politely with you, then 'Words of Affirmation' is probably your love language. We ask for the things that matter most to us, don't we?

• Examine what you do or say to express your love to your spouse. If you mostly do the acts of service for your partner, then it is probably your love language and you may be expecting him/her to do the same to express love to you.

WATCH THIS SUMMARY ON YOUTUBE